Love Blog – Relationships Are Hard Work

Relationship between a man and a woman is cooperation

How do we act landing in a new situation? Can we comprehend arising circumstances from a clean sheet? Can we take new rules of the game with caution and openness of a child, who doesn’t have any experience? Can we step twice into the same river? Usually – not. 

The older we become the more narrow-mined our view on the world is. Everything new we perceive in the light of old, robbing ourselves the feeling of novelty and freshness. Old age begins in such a way – in the same moment when life stops giving us surprises.

What does a first-year student feel during the first months of studies? He has no idea what “to be a student” means, and how an educational process is built in the university. Therefore, he repeats, absolutely not realizing that, the well-known model of behavior – schoolboy and teacher. He doesn’t understand that everybody doesn’t give a damn that no one will chase him and palm off knowledge. He doesn’t realize that the teacher in the university is different.

Therefore, the first year becomes the most difficult – it’s necessary to get used to the new condition of life and teaching. It’s necessary to learn to be responsible for his preparation and to stop hoping for teachers. It’s necessary to stop being afraid of a teacher whose duty is to assistance to the preparation. Now the teacher himself is in some necessity towards the student. It’s necessary to realize that and to reorganize yourself on time.

But it’s easier for students, cause there are people who will suggest and teach. Teachers, senior students, parents – there are people close by the student, who have studied and have understood what mistakes a first-year student makes. Therefore, just after the first session first-year students begin spreading their wings and laughing at their former ideas.

And what happens when a young man and a woman have the first relationship? The extensive field for choice and creativity in front of them – all ways are open and everything is allowed. However, what do they choose? How do they behave? Do they realize the responsibility of every choice? Do they realize at least essence and sense the making choices or not?

They realize nothing. In the best case young couples perceive their alliance as a field for experiments and try to find equilibrium blindly, by touch. However, even in this case formed and consolidated by bringing the process ideas trip them up – the both by default try to realize their set of fantasies about a relationship. They haven’t yet understand, that relationship with a person of the opposite sex is the game which it’s necessary to learn playing from scratch in.

And no one can suggest them usually. Parents don’t entirely realize themselves, what happens with their relationship. Peers don’t know anything all the more so. In the university problems of relationship are not learnt and aren’t taught. Psychologists know something, but they are not in the position in order to teach at every occasion. Therefore, unlike students, young couples are innocent and “naive first-year students” for life.

Well, now, it will be a little technical digression. Generalization is a very useful tool, which should be used carefully. Later, we will deal with a typical man and woman from the typical family, where a mother actively takes part in upbringing.

Unfortunately, in our society such a family is typical, which is built on neurotic dependence between husband and wife. Children in such families inevitably adopt parents’ models of behavior and continue the same way of neurotics in their own independent life. Therefore, the generalization made in a framework of the article is quite pertinent.

But if you’re lucky and your parents could find complete psychological equilibrium in their relationship, then the article is not for you and not about you – your case belongs to a class of exceptions, and that’s not a reason for arguing.

Nowadays, young couples comprehend relationships as roulette – make book on case, on right choice of partner. And if a young man or a woman is not lucky with the first partner, he or she searches for the next whom they, maybe, will be lucky with.

So, it’s possible to let thing slide and to allow the relationship to develop, any old way, or, all the same, healthy prolonged relationship require deliberate efforts?

A male view of a woman

However, relationship was in a family, the first experience of communication with a woman for a future man is the relation with a mother. It’s said often, that a man chooses a woman looks like his mother, that’s truth. But to the fact one more very important detail should be added, which is without attention.

The basic similarity with a mother, which is searched by a man in his women, concerns not a look, personality and habits, but the feeling of safety and peace, which he experienced, being under mother’s care.

The thing is a young man, even is not guessing, that it’s possible to perceive somehow else. In his chosen ones he just searches for an improved version of a mother, who will cherish him, tend and protect, and whom, on the top of everything else, it’s possible to give himself up to sexual pleasures with. Between a mother and a woman is an equal sign for him.

The situation can be ironed out, for example, having parents who could establish between them a real mature relationship. Then a young man can get another basic experience and to learn to see in a woman not only mother’s appearance. However such luck is rare.

As a result of such initial conditions is a relationship with a woman develops in accordance with the only general cliché, which is easily observed among acquaintances. The most typical signs are man’s subordination in front of woman, dependence on her and fear of her dissatisfaction. That is revealed just after acquaintance. And a little later, when the relationship settles down, another problem comes to light – loss or a significant lowering of sexual desire of the man to his woman.

A man, not knowing other models of behavior with a woman, unconsciously builds a relationship in such a way when a woman gets mother’s functions. Besides, the woman can ensure the man the seeking feeling of peace and safety, but she has to be for him in a position of seniority. And the man urges on her to this himself – delegate her authority, passes responsibility onto her, passes her the right to decide and to mark.

In the end, the man gets what he wanted. The woman gets the role of senior and gets in her hands further leadership over the man. For the woman everything occurs unconsciously too. At first she likes, that the man obeys her desires and it seems to her that everything is going in the best way. But later the woman begins noticing that the role of a mother, which is played by her, robs her of the opportunity to be a woman and requires from her significant responsibility. And the man, sooner or later, understands, that he’s robed freedom and instead of “love” to his woman experiences only fear and dissatisfaction now.

After that relationship is wrecked. And what’s more, the both the man and the woman can’t understand, what happened. Relationship which began, as a fairy tale, “rotted through” and was shattered before their eyes. And as the both absolutely don’t realize happening, then it seems to them, that they just chose a wrong person. Then they leave each other and searches for a new partner, whom the same story repeats with.

The majority of men continue searching for in a woman loving mother till old age. A lack of man’s inner independence is behind that. Instead of learning to cope with his inner soul burdens himself, he takes the familiar road and searches for a woman, whom it will be possible to hang on. At the same time, the man can be in charge of a bank or command army, but, returning home, he, still the same, searches for peace in embrace his woman-mother.

Such men all life hope to find the woman, who will be agree to be for them both mother and mistress. And, properly, they fall in love when see in a woman her readiness to combine those roles. But such a relationship has no future – either it is wrecked or it makes a man and a woman absolutely unhappy, “tied” to each other creatures.

No one woman will submit with being a mother for a man. No one man will submit with loss of freedom in exchange for mother’s comfort. They can just take cover in self-deception, persuading each other, that relationship should be something like that, that it is the real love, that safety and mutual comfort are more important than happiness.

Letting the problems slide a man inevitably condemns his relationships with women to painful failure. Continuing to search for a dispensable understanding mother in every woman, a man gives up on the aim to mature and with his own hand robs himself of the most valuable – freedom. 

A female view of a man

Every woman wants to be weak and at the same time to subjugate a man. Formation of female views about a relationship with a person of the opposite sex occurs differently, compared with man views. A woman adopts the model of relation with a father in less extent – for the most part, she obeys philosophy of life of a female company.

If a mother learned to respect her husband and found her happiness in placid accepting of man’s will, then her daughter would be wise enough in her future relationship, and wouldn’t live off a husband. But this is a rare exception. In most cases, we can observe an absolutely different situation, when a mother and other close women follow the slave-owning directive “A man is created for a woman” and cultivate it in the child.

On some incomprehensible account, it is normal to believe that a man must take care of a woman. Exactly in such a way – any man must take care of any woman. Besides it’s added to that he must take care of wife, mother even much diligent. That rule is not even argued – it is pressed in a genetic code of our society. A man must – that is the foundation of female view of relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

It’s left no stone unturned. It’s very convenient for women to play a weak sex, allowing stronger men to take solving all problems. However, at the same time, every woman wants a strong man to fulfill HER desires and follow HER decisions, however to be responsible for everything.

Women bring up their men in such a way, that men without a murmur fulfill their desires, and with enthusiasm share cunning of manipulation with each other. And then, coming to a psychologist, they complain about male disobedience and about all men are bastards and don’t guess what women want and why it’s necessary to explain them everything. Female pride can be boundless in such cases.

Women want to possess a man thoroughly – his will, his body, his desires and his soul. To possess single-handedly and for life, until death separate them. Such a utilitarian approach to a man isn’t paraded but isn’t hidden at the same time, cause it a long time ago turned into a general norm and doesn’t grate eyes by its absurdity anymore.

Leaf through women’s magazines, watch TV shows – everywhere is the same. It’s believed that a woman has the right to get rewards only for chicken feed. Even not for sex, that would be more justly, but for nothing – just because a man must be a knight, and a knight must serve a woman.

Owing that girls’ upbringing occurs. And if in a family she doesn’t find a refutation the universal social madness, then there is nothing for it but to obey it. And to the first admirer she makes a long list of things he is indebted to her just for the right to be near.

By the way a man begins a relationship with his set of ideas that a woman is indebted to him too, but the greater problem for men is searching for mother’s streaks. Moreover, society initially gets ready men for serving women, encouraging in them pseudo-knight’s streaks. So, women get men in their hands in a semi ready form – just heat him.

Not understanding absurdity of the exiting situation, a girl blindly and without any arriere-pensee assimilates the view of a man, as executive of her desires. Therefore, when time of the first love begins, she already gets deeply stuck in the general rut of women’s delusions – she expects from her admirers serving and worship.

In practice it looks simple. There is not only banal fulfillment of desires. Women act more subtly – they strive to change a man in such a way a man to understand himself in the future, what and how to do, in order the man will do what woman wants without any guideline.  And the upbringing is under the slogan – “If you love me, change for the sake of me.”

And when a negligent man resists the training, wives resent, become hysterical, tell tales to mothers and use indiscriminately all available linchpins of pressure and manipulation. And that’s too without any arriere-pensee, cause they are sincerely persuaded, that those are right ways, cause a disobedient man is just some anomaly, which should be repaired.

In such a way in the majority of young couples, a woman very soon begins bossing. A man searches in the woman for a mother and gets power in woman’s hands himself, and the woman with pleasure and enthusiasm brings the man up and leading the man for realization her fantasies about happy domesticity.

There is no reason to tell what such mutual being causes – just look around. And if there are couples, where a man really (not nominally) has the role of senior and doesn’t hang his infantilism, and she, in her turn, doesn’t start too soon, among your acquaintances, – learn!

 

Relationship as cooperation

Let’s turn to the beginning of the narrative. Relationship is one from the most important fields of human’s life, but only a few people know that it’s necessary to learn it. It’s believed, that learning in that question goes of its own accord after the example of friends and relatives. However, a result of such a self-education is no class.

It would be Ok, if after the first failure in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex would be enough to realize mistakes and to correct models of behavior, but it doesn’t occur – usually, men and women go round and round till old age. Instead of forming understanding of themselves, they just search for another person, who will match them, and whom it won’t be necessary to force themselves in a relationship.

All want a fairy tale to come in their home. Women in their boudoirs dream of a knight-saviour, not realizing that their caprices and demands will stick in a normal man throat. And men make knights’ tournaments and search for the woman who’ll appreciate their man’s daring, accept, love and console.

Women don’t know and don’t understand men – but they want a man to understand them and believe, that will be enough for a normal relationship. Women aren’t interested what a man wants, or they are satisfied with simple answers, as “a man wants only sex”. At the same time, women don’t think what good they have in order a man of their dreams will devote them his life. That’s highest egoism.

And men are not better – they understand nothing in women, and therefore, easy give in to manipulations, just to satisfy superficial women’s caprices and grab the soul warmth which earlier only mother could give.

Not thinking what governs a woman in actual fact and what she really wants, a man, just, follow her desires. He doesn’t understand that the woman will hate him for the obedience. Allowing to manipulate (as if because of love) a man makes the woman unhappy and leads the relationship to a deadlock. He acts as a child, who should behave in an exemplary fashion, a mother to love him.

And until then a relationship is built for pleasure, for joint entertainment, nothing will change. An entertainment has to entertain – there is no room for deliberate efforts. And meanwhile, relationship requires a great inner work – there is no happiness for free.

A man should purposely learn to see a woman as a woman – a creature of the opposite sex, reflection of his soul, but not a regular embodiment of mother’s appearance.

A woman can be the best friend for a man, helper and inspirer, if to allow to be revealed in this way. He just shouldn’t hang his snot on a woman and find enough toughness to defend his man’s freedom and independence.

But we so want to relax and to get pleasure, right? So, it’s necessary to step it over. There are many more pleasures in mature relationship, just give up your child habits.

And a woman, in turn, should learn to restrain her pride and see in a man not an executive of her desires, not a defender from all troubles and adversities, but an independent person, whom it will be interesting to live with.

If to give a man freedom and respect his right for self-determination, he will thank a woman by fulfilling woman’s all desires. Men, on the whole, are not bastards – respect them, and they will do the same. But a man is not indebted to a woman, and a woman is not weaker than a man at all, to lay claim to some privileges.

If a woman will be wise enough to help her man to mature, she’ll get the relationship which she didn’t even dream about. However, for that she should learn to be exactly a woman – not a mother, not a queen, but a woman – man’s life’s companion. Otherwise it’s possible to wait for a prince eternally.

We are always near the person we are worthy. If it seems that we are worthy anything better, then, probably, we fib to ourselves. Relationships can be the basis for growing each other or turn in a compost pit, where the both souls fade away and decompose. It’s your choice….